"What Did You Hear Me Say?" - The Missing Question in Conflict Resolution

Neal McIntyre
Aug 8
2 min read

We’ve all been there. You say something you believe is clear, maybe even thoughtful or constructive. But the reaction you get? Defensive. Hurt. Confused. Suddenly, a simple exchange spirals into conflict - and you’re left wondering, “How did we get here?”

The truth is, communication isn’t just about what we say. It’s about what the other person hears. And that’s where things often go sideways.

🎯 The Assumption Gap

Most of us assume that our words land exactly as we intend. But every listener filters what they hear through their own experiences, emotions, and expectations. That filter can distort even the clearest message.

Instead of pausing to clarify, we often jump to conclusions:

“They’re upset with me.”
“They misunderstood on purpose.”
“They’re just being difficult.”

These assumptions turn a simple miscommunication into something personal - and that’s when real conflict begins.

🗣️ The Power of One Question

Imagine if, in those moments of tension, we asked:

“What did you hear me say?”

This question does three powerful things:

It invites clarity. You get to hear how your message was received, not just how it was sent.
It shows humility. You’re acknowledging that your words might not have landed perfectly.
It opens the door to empathy. You’re giving the other person space to share their perspective without judgment.

🔄 Reframing the Conversation

Let’s say you told a colleague, “We need to be more efficient with our time.” You meant it as a team-wide encouragement. But they heard, “You’re wasting time and not doing enough.”

By asking, “What did you hear me say?”, you uncover the disconnect - and can address it before it festers.